Natalie Goes to Medical School

Turtle

2004-05-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

I tried too hard to be cool in that last post and I promise I won't do it again.

There are 20 more days of school, including weekends and next friday (which is currently unscheduled, but the way things have been going they'll add in another 4 hours of Foundations of Doctoring on stuff we've already learned with a 'don't forget to be nice to your patients!!") added in.

This 20 days is also critical in that it means that I won't have to live in this house with these very, very loud people, this landlord that was a big jerk to me, that furnace that still doesn't work right and has backed up continuously putting black grime all over everything, and the smell of the pot smoke that my roomates produce. I would rather smell puke than pot smoke. I have told them this. I don't care if they do it as long as I can't smell it. I can smell it right now. I am not happy.

In other news, the red sox won and I have decided to experiment with eating about 500 less calories a day and see if that brings me to the required Army weight.

I am still, however, ambivalent about the Red Sox. Although David Ortiz's comment about 27 games and not worrying and blah blah was right on the money and to be commended, I had reverted to my pessimistic red sox fan shell and I don't know if I can get out of it. Besides, they are still leaving men on base like mad, error-ing, and pitching kind of sloppily. Yeah, yeah, I'm being picky, but I'm also supper annoyed at the nasty smell I'm being forced to take in (nasal/olfactory rape?) and how much I have to learn this weekend. Plus, it still seems like my beloved joe and jerry are bad luck to listen to right now...I spent some time on the couch with NESN and listened to the rem-guy, ate my non-fat cottage cheese and naturally flavored apples, and they won. It was pretty good, too, that comeback in the 9th. Mark Bellhorn, of all people, hitting quite a massive homerun, and that KC pitcher was pretty pissed at the umpire, that was interesting, but look, dude, You've been on the DL with diarrhea for a month and a half, he's not going to give you that inside pitch unless you're nolan ryan. plus, it was freaking inside...so deal, skinny man, and eat some more protien.

I'm going to read my bible verses and put my soul to sleep. goodnight, all.

diffuse interstitial suckage

2004-05-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

I'd like to send out a large "WHAT THE HECK???" to Mr. Lowe, Mr. Francona, Mr. Epstien, and, of all people, Mr. Shilling. What gives here, guys? What in the world is going on? I can't understand it. A week ago everything was all smiles and wins (versus the yankees, no less) and now, all of a sudden it's five losses in a row to the rangers and the indians???I can't understand this. It makes as much sense to me as respiratory physiology is making right now. Whatever happened to, "we're going to play every game like it's versus the Yankees," or, "we need to win against every team, not just the yankees," or even the positive thinking thing that bambinoscurse.com was advocating that I was strongly pushing among my sox-fan friends??? Everything was in place and now everything is falling apart. I didn't want to revert back to the angry, bitter, skeptical, doomsday-preaching red sox fan, but you guys have given me no choice but to retreat back into my mumbling, angry little corner and curse the day I decided that I wanted to be a Red Sox fan like my dad, because my dad was (and still is, of course, cool.

That was (this is the part where I try to get my red sox 'street cred') in 1992, the year of Matt Young's 'no-hitter', when the roster was filled with guys like Tim Naering and Scott Cooper (whom I had a crush on), and I think still Mike Greenwell and Tom Brunansky, when Mo Vaughn was still in Pawtucket and the Sox finished last in the AL east. My mother, wise MA native that she is, tried to warn me what I was in for. She scared me with stories of her and her crazy brothers and the 1976 world series and the fact that Rico Petrucelli and Carl Yaztremski used to live down the street from her gigantic irish-catholic north shore family and that routing for the sox would just always, always lead to anguish, no matter what you did and who your neighbors are.

Of course, I didn't really listen to her and have ever since been more interested in the red sox than is probably healthy. I have already shared with all 3 of you the story of one of my earliest memories, that of the 1986 world series game 6, so there is really no need for me to explain my current anguish because I'm sure that all of you who have a Bipolar-like disorder based on the outcomes of Red Sox games understand how I feel. What you can't understand is how the current slide is negatively affecting my ability to learn, which in medical school terms basically means that I am almost suicidal. Studying is all I am really supposed to be doing, we sort of unofficially base each other's worth as human beings based on how many hours of studying we get done every day (not entirely true, but also kind of true).

One of my absolute favorite things to do in the world is listen to the Red Sox on the radio. Growing up in Otisfield, we didn't have cable TV and the sox were never on the networks. For the vast majority of the time I've been a sox fan, to me the games were the ballpark sounds with Joe Castiglione and Jerry Trupiani commenting...and they pretty much still are. I can't get into a game when the rem-dog guy and that bald lame guy call it, as OK as they are. I just can't. It is Joe and Jerry for me all the way, in fact, when I was younger, in the rare instances when the red sox game was on TV my dad would always mute it and turn the radio up. They are simply the best way to experience the game if you can't be there: interesting consise, passionate, entertaining, unique, funny, human...I can't say enough about those guys. So, of course I signed up and got the MLB.com package so that I could listen to them over the internet because that's the best way I can keep track of the game while I'm in the library (or even at home, since the Portland station doesn't work well out here in the middle of the Ocean). Usually listening to the game is one of the best things for me to listen to while studying, it is familiar, calming, etc, it helps me focus, and is therefore almost always good. It was really good last week, of course. This week...I can't even begin to describe how much stuff I have to learn by next friday, and with the Sox skidding like this...I can't listen to them. I can't study. And, therefore, things are not good right now. Things are not good at all.

In unrelated news, I have decided that I must find my own apartment next year for the good of mankind. I cannot live with people again or else I will go more crazy. Additionally, I am failing physiology by 1.4%, and there are 7 days before the mother of all finals weeks (actually 2 weeks long!) hits us. Whomever invented the final exam should be beaten.

On a (slightly) happy note, I am within 2 pounds of making weight for the army, and I have a little over a month to lose those 2 pounds. However, if the red sox continue this hideous display of crappage, I might just have to eat a whole lot more ice cream, and there goes the possibility of me ever being a doctor in the army.

good grief.
metastisizing,
Natalie

2004-03-02T10:41:00.002-05:00

Before:

After:

2004-02-25T23:26:00.000-05:00

In my previous post I sound like a whiny, spoiled bitch and I am sorry to have become that person...I am sorry that my 'writing' even at all reflects that person. Ashamed, actually.

I am, though, still shocked about the state of affairs in my life and how things have changed so much in the last 12 months. I shouldn't have tried to demonstrate that using a list format, that's kind of bogus. It's interesting, though, how everything in my life was so up in the air at this time last year but I felt so much more sure of myself (it seems like I did, anyway) than I do now. Now, well, I kind of miss the ambiguity that came along with my old life. It left doors open that I know now I won't be able to open for decades. In that life, there was wiggle room, room to dream and think and explore, to make mistakes and rebound from them. There were so many possibilities there...now things are so set, so fixed, and sometimes I feel more trapped than excited. Medical school wasn't supposed to feel like this, and even though everything I read told me otherwise, I didn't at all believe it. I see now that I was foolish to not head those warnings and, well, I don't know what to do now. I've got ideas for papers I want to write, things I want to explore, and I don't want to loose them but I'm sure that I'll never get around to actually doing them. I know that there is nothing within medical school that is keeping me from doing these things, I don't think I'd do them if I had all the time in the world, I'd simply continue to mull them over in my mind and get frusterated for never writing a word until the idea had left my immediate thoughts and been replaced in the rotation by another thought.

I don't know how much longer I can stay awake, even though I really, really need to get a lot of bacteria done right now...I'm hoping it gets exciting at some point.

Can I really be with a man who is so ignorant of mental illnesses that he doesn't understand that anxiety can be a serious medical condition?

If a year ago you would have told me this, I would have totally broken you (out of disbelief, or anger, or just because I like to sound tough)...

2004-02-18T02:53:00.000-05:00

-That I would see the Patriots win the AFC championship in the 1000-feet away snow-covered flesh.
-That I would find out that my college obsession (whom I totally thought I would eventually end up marrying and have beautiful children and a volvo XC with) was taken, and then be at peace with this fact - not just in peace, happy for him - in less than a month.
-That I would be able to look out my window every morning and see the ocean at that magical point where it hits the horizon.
-That I would own and absolutely be in unhealthily crazy obsessed love with a 12" PowerBook G4.
-That I would be seriously considering moving in with my boyfriend.
-That my boyfriend would not have a real job by this point in 2004.
-That my boyfriend and I would still be together, and this happy.
-That I would be a 2nd Lt in the US Army reserves.
-That I would be able to spend as much money as I have recently on bafflingly (is that a word?) expensive stuff ($500+ for 4 pairs of designer jeans that don't even fit my completely unexplainable white trash ghetto booty? $450/month for rent? A Coach bag? Jeans from Abercrombie? NO WAY) and still being able to pay my rent (on that ocean view house) without calling my parents up and bawling (because two work study jobs and a tution refund weren't enough)...thanks, Unites States Army!
-That I wouldn't have really found a church to be with here, yet.
-That I would be refusing to live in the house with the ocean view for another year just because the landlord is a stalker and a big huge jerk.
-That my boyfriend's loser older brother was actually married to that girl that we all just thought he was engaged to, and about to get his 'fiance' pregnant with my pseudo-niece, who is the cutest thing EVER, and that I'd totally want one of those (the baby...extremely frightening!).
-That I'd be living with a phi sigma sigma (even if, you know, she didn't go to WPI...I know that's trivial, but you had to be there) and a random guy from the north shore, and totally love them both.
-That my parents would buy me a very cool BRAND NEW CAR.
-That I would still slack off this much in Medical School.
-That I would actually get into a medical school in this country...what were they thinking??????
-That I would fully understand the following sentence: "DOC for GAS pharyngitis"; without thinking it meant something about the guy who fixed indegestion.
-That I would watch this much television and be this obsessed with a show about models hosted by Tyra Banks. Hello?
-That I would still pass all of my classes and watch this much TV.
-That my medical spanish class would be so, um, natural.
-That I would be this deeply, madly, unbreakably in love with coffee.
-That I wouldn't start crying internally when someone mentioned how much money I needed to pay for something, I'd just write a check and try not to pinch myself. Again, thank you, US Government.
-That I'd be this good at driving a stick shift. Thank you, Dad!
-That I would randomly spend the week before christmas in Paris, France and been miserable about 60% of the time there.
-That I would eventually be able to afford a (week long!) trip to Paris.
-That I'd be running this little and still be mostly mentally stable.
-That I would miss Worcester and desire to leave Maine forever quite this much.
-That I would be looking forward to spending a summer in TEXAS on an ARMY BASE. wtf?

and i haven't even mentioned my dream about Howard Dean in which I interigate his wife, Dr. Judith Steinburg, about taxes on cigarettes (have I mentioned that I'm a republican?); or the part where I, and 3 other complete strangers, spent about four entire months demolishing, tiny piece by tiny piece, the body of a perfectly nice-seeming 89-year-old man whom I nicknamed Gramps.

You know, for anatomy lab, don't call the police.

Who AM I?

I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight.

2004-02-12T23:16:00.000-05:00

Things I miss about Worcester:
the yellow light from the streetlights on a late-night walk
seeing boyton tower, lit up with flag waving, just over the tops of the trees from the porch of the house.
hanging on the porch of the house with those girls...oh my GOD, will I really never do that again? I think I would pay a million dollars to do that again.
the sidewalks. curbs. being able to walk to somewhere that is open at 3AM.
all the different kinds of people.
and different kinds of food.
except for mexican food. there is no good mexican food in worcester.
having reasons to leave where I live. No, being required to leave for reasons other than going to class.
Singing. With I-8, with the CBF guys on friday nights, with my friends on random occasions, with alden voices, at holden chapel hung over on a sunday morning with Naomi, the national anthem for random events with the I-8 girls, at random other colleges (RPI, BU), in my car on the three-hour trip there from home, in front of an audience who wanted to hear me and see me because they were my friends, and being told that that singing was good in so many ways.
The window next to my bed in my old apartment.
My old apartment.
Watching Bridget Jones' diary repeatedly at my old apartment with my fabulous roomates.
Being able to walk to a store at all. I never really got over the fact that I was within a block of 5 restraunts, about as many stores, a liquor store, a dry cleaner, a korean manicurist, and so many people I knew...that continues to seem impossible.
Will you hate me if I say I miss being in my sorority? You shouldn't. I hope you don't.

this certain iTunes radio song that has showed up reminds me of my high school ex-boyfriend, you know, the one I wrote about before, the Lacrosse-playing crap-for-brains jerk i was with when I was sixteen. The song is by the dropkick murphys, who he went to see but wouldn't take me to with him, and when I asked him why not he said it was because I wouldn't like them. Well, I like this song - and then I realized who it was. So there. Stupid jerk.

If I had realized when I was 15 and that I'd still be thinking about him when I was 22 and feeling this much rancor toward him still, now...I guess I don't think it would have been any different, because 15-year-old Natalie probably couldn't have even comprehended 22-year-old natalie.

I don't know if I can comprehend 22 year old natalie. she doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, I found out that that guy is still working for the same backwoods store he worked at when he was in high school, so I'm going to assume that he failed out of UMaine and I'm a terrible person because I take joy/comfort in that.

What I don't derive any satisfaction from at all is my complete lack of motivation to study. I'm really not sure how I pass all these classes with decent scores (some of them), because unless I really don't know what's going on (and then I do nothing) I don't study as much as these other people do.

Ooops.

Again, again, remember. DO=MD=Physician=someone in a lot of debt who spent far too much time in school and is probably a complete doofus, so don't wonder why people think that doctors have no social skills...they don't.

crap, I'm procrastinating again.

-natalie.

2004-02-09T16:37:00.000-05:00

YAY!!!!! I passed virology, and so did all the rest of my classmates. Huge relief, super crazy happy. Now we're onto Pharm and BacT and Physio, and I actually feel like i'm really learning how to be a doctor again, since the profs for those classes are so great. And when I say great, I mean that when Dr. Reese lectures, I actually have paused to think, "I am so incredibly glad I came to this school." The same goes for Dr. Vaughn. The more clincal things get, the more interesting it is, and I know it's going to start getting really crazy soon, I know bacT and path will kick my ass, but I'm kind of looking forward to it. :-D

2004-02-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

I realize that I need to write more positive stuff here, but I need to vent. Besides, if you're coming here from SDN, you'll want to know that at this very moment the entire MS1 class at UNECOM is about to jump off of the pier behind the soccer field, lemming-style, right into the super cold and partially ice covered saco river, because our virology professor just gave us an exam that was the KING of all unfair and evil exams. That being said, I've got to start studying for monday's biochemistry final, because 3 tests in seven days just isn't enough, so they decided to give us another one.

Some Things That I May Have Never Learned or Observed Had I Not Recently Wasted Copious Amounts of Time Watching Reality TV Instead of Studying

2004-01-29T12:28:00.000-05:00

-People from the South seem to really, really dislike people from the northeast. I mean, at least the Southern girl on Real World: San Diego "Hates Yankees", and I don't think that Lanny on the Bachelorette likes us either. But, really, people, I hate the Yankees too, damn it; and I grew up in Maine. Get it right.

-Carmen Electra is smarter than Jessica Simpson. And when I mean smarter, it's kind of like in Calculus when something approaches infinity, and then you can somehow have infinity plus one. Carmen Electra's smartness approaches negative infinity, and Jessica Simpson's is approaching negative infinity minus one. If that makes sense. I didn't like calc 3 very much.

-And can I just say that I was really dissapointed to find out how dumb Jessica Simpson is after I really respected her after holding out until she got married to lose her virginity? I admired that, but now I'm kind of sad. I hope she gets smarter, you know, IQ-wise.

-I mean, she's got a LOT of money...why doesn't she buy some?

Anyway.

-I never would have realized how amusing Donald Trump is when he gets mad if I hadn't started devoting my alotted TV watching time to The Apprentice, which is fabulous television. He's actually kind of cute when he gets mad, in that older man who has retained the look a little boy gets when a bully takes away his lunch money kind of way. But, not really.

-Has there ever been a reported case of a TV show "jumping the shark" because the network kept moving it from one time to another? Honestly, I planned my studying last night around watching Donald and his hairpiece, and then it was not actually on, and the Bachelorette just didn't do it for me.

-If I had to work with those girls on that TV show, I think I would officially Jump Off of the Nearest Tall Building, like, as soon as possible.

-The Apprentice proves the worst in men and women, such as:
That women can use their bodies to get their way, men will let them.
That men who have lots and lots of money but who are not so young and attractive will still tend to snag young and attractive women, who undoubtebly are more attracted to the gold-feathered everything in said man's billion-dollar apartment, but will feign love and affection for the man.
That very short men have serious complexes.

-I almost forgot to say that watching Perry Farrell get fitted for a tux for Dave Navarro's wedding screwed up everything I ever thought I knew in high school to the point where I almost felt sort of ill. It definately made me sad, but not Red-Sox-Losing-to-the-Yankees-in-the-Playoffs sad, just kind of disapointed sad, like when you're a kid and you find out that your dad really isn't as superman-like as you thought he was, after all, and it's kind of sad.
---All of that having been said, it's probably my intelligence that is now reaching for negative infinity because I've been watching these shows and writing about them. I hope that, um, no army surgery residency directors ever stumble upon this site.

2004-01-28T23:52:00.000-05:00

Oh, and if it snows this weekend and I can't go to MV and visit my friend Adam and watch the superbowl, I will be one very unhappy camper.

2004-01-28T23:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I wrote this for Foundations of Doctoring. It completely sucks, however I feel the need to have something serious and medically-related here, so as a break from my constant whining I give you: My "reflection" piece. Enjoy!!!

I've heard that medical students often think that they are afflicted with almost every disease that they study, and I don't think that's too far off the mark. I know that while studying parasitology I've often wondered if there are trophozoites left over from my college term in Costa Rica happily growing away in my dueodenum. Sometimes, though, reading through a genetics or an embryology text can make a medical student consider with amazement that they were even created to begin with. The statistics that I've read often make it seem incredible that there are so many people on this earth - and that so many of them are normal. After all, the genetics book said that 1/3 of implanted pregnancies end in miscarriage, and then that 50% of the population will be diagnosed with invasive cancer at some point in their lives. It is amazing that life happens at all, and that we live for as long as we do. Does this fragility explain why we, as humans, but especially in this society, feel the need to hang on to our lives when we are in the most dire of medical straits, no matter what the cost to us and to others?

We all know that in the last 150 years medical research has provided cures, treatments, therapies that have been wildly successful, not to mention nearly unbelievable-seeming genetics research that poises us on the brink of solving so many mysteries. I have never done any sort of biochemical research at all, as a technical writing major the reading I have been doing recently is the closest I have ever come to understanding how research works. However, after learning about the progress made against Chronic Myleoid Leukemia by the drug Gleevec, and reading what is now known about how cancer works, I would not be surprised if there is a cure for cancer in my lifetime. In fact, while reading last night I got a eerie sense that the fix is imminent, sooner than we think...but it might have just been low blood sugar and the library's fluorescent lighting.

Either way, research is going to continue to crank out solutions for problems and we are going to continue living longer and longer, raises some ethical and philosophical questions, along with those about medical costs that were raised last week. Through research, we are trying to cling onto this fragile life as hard as we can, but undoubtedly we cannot live forever. Once cancer is cured, what will people die of next? Will it be worse than cancer? Alzheimer's disease used to be rare until life expectancy increased, now it is common. What will people get when Alzheimer's is cured? Who knows what kind of genetic disease we are predisposed to get at 120 years of life. And, do we really, truly, WANT to live that long?

It troubles me to think that our medical quest for immortality may have become our religion and replaced natural human spirituality. It also bothers me that people who almost certainly will not survive, such as the man we saw spend 67 days in the ICU in last week's video, will request to be kept alive artificially at any measure or expense, usually the expense of others and the taxing of the health care system. Why is it so hard for us to accept that at some point we are simply meant to die, that our time has come? And how can we as professionals possibly tell someone that it is time for their father, mother, husband or wife to die and that they should stop trying to keep them alive? Would doing this help or hurt our patients and their families, or by doing this would we become worse - playing God to cut down insurance costs?

I know that these questions are almost impossible to answer and I hope that we, as physicians, can somehow come to understand how to help a family through decsions that no one ever wants to make.

2004-01-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

You know, if I once warned you that not to go to medical school, I totally wasn't kidding.

Also, if you've ever considered buying one of the "Made Ridiculously Simple" books that supposedly takes whatever super hard thing that you are trying to learn and, uh, makes it ridiculously simple, stop considering NOW and buy the damn thing and then thank me profusely later, please. And if you're one of those people I don't like who buy that kind of thing, you actually don't know it, but you are. Buy it. Just the pictures alone in "Microbiology made ridiculously simple" should be enough to help me pass parasitology. AND...they are funny, too.

I totally suck at life and cannot concentrate...at least TRY to get something done before the apprentice is on TV???? arrrgh....I miss college, when I had actual other things to do that weren't studying, like running and CBF and ALPHA GAM, not to mention tutoring writing and working at the library and going to a zillion other meetings...I miss that, yes, I really do. I even miss Worcester, Mass.

Here goes....

-n.

2004-01-28T01:46:00.000-05:00

I am at that point in my break-up stage where every heartfelt lyric that iTunes pops out seems to be spoken just to what I'm feeling at the moment, giving me the strong urge to post lyrics on this page/my stupid AIM profile, and to listen to said songs over and over again while singing along mournfully. This is also known as the super-duper pathetic stage, in which one cannot wallow for too long lest they loose their chances of ever again finding a suitable dating/mating partner or, perhaps, their own self-respect, the latter seeming to be my case. I am a pathetic excuse for a medical student. Don't read this if you're pre-med.

It's so ridiculous to even be writing these words down. Especially since I was happy today and yesterday to be able to start over and get away from bad influences. I am happy. I just hate being that girl. Especially, you know, again. If I followed my own rules and only dated christian guys I would be doing....well, how would I be doing? I guess I can't say, seeing how the one christian guy I once tried to date I actually ended up hating, and then there was that other guy who I tried so hard to show interest in without being incredibly blatant and thus upsetting the idea that the 'christian guy' is supposed to approach the 'christian girl' in the mysterious 'dating ritual', but it turns out anyway that he apparently just didn't want me, even with an astonishing amount of obscure things we shared in common and the fact that he often sang along to the radio in his car, which makes him most definitely the man I'm sure God made for me...HE (the guy) JUST DOESN"T KNOW IT YET, right??? and I think that I'm batting about -600,000 in the 'finding potential husband ever in this lifetime' category. I mean, that's fine, I can write an incredible run-on sentence and poke in a mean IV, so I guess God has just blessed me all up and down so that I don't actually need a man...I mean, who is going to want to marry a doctor? Not to mention a doctor who doesn't have an MD that is owned by the military and lost her virginity in high school to a pothead lacrosse player (that incredible pustulent asshole)?

I mean, really, think about it, I am completely doomed to end up as a scary old cat lady.

At least when I end up with the cats I will still have Damien Rice and Elliot Smith to listen to. And maybe John Hiatt's Take it Down, and Ben Folds' Smoke, if I'm still feeling this stage when I'm 97, if the Army isn't still making me sew up battle wounds when I'm 97. I'm sure I'll let you know.

2004-01-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

I shouldn't be here. I don't know if I should be anywhere. I am a complete failure as a medical student. THIS is what I always wanted? That's crap. I'm not cut out for this. I should be in graduate school for something pansy-ass and then write a bunch of books. Or travelling to obscure parasite-ridden countries on a camel; then marry some bible-studies professor and sit around and take care of my egghead kids. What the heck am I DOING with my life? I am not old enough for this. Aren't your early 20's when you're supposed to figure out who you are and be wild and crazy so that you can look back on it and say, "man, I was wild and crazy, damn, good thing I'm 30 now and I know what's up and I can confidently say that medical school is the place for me." No, not me, I've been going on about 37 since I was 8 years old and now it's just not working for me anymore I can't really imagine that this is how God wanted me to be 21 or 22 years old. Is it? And it's not even like I even do a lot of work. I can't make myself. Am I broken? I just can't do this...I'm not a memorizer...I'm too much of a slacker...I'm a fool and I don't even deserve this. I don't, I don't, I don't, I can't.

Please remember that your medical school experience will vary, but that it's probably a really DAMN GOOD IDEA to take (at least) a year off before you sign your life away. Oh yeah, and the fact that I no longer have a boyfriend has nothing to do with medical school, either, so don't let that scare you. But, please, think about medical school a little more first? It sure isn't as wiz-bang glamourous and fun as you might think it is....

2004-01-18T23:13:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, MA, where I watched the Patriots cream the Colts :-D ...YES, I REALLY DID! My crazy roomate who is always making up crazy promises and never follows through had been talking all week about how she had some friend who could get us tickets...and after I'd already made plans to do something else today, and just before I went to bed last night she comes home in a frenzy, cooking up chili and marinating steak and chicken and generally going nuts. She had gotten 4 tickets and took me, her not-boyfriend, and his friend. We left at 9am in the truck that she rented, drove down, tailgated (!), got snowed on and all wet and cold, and saw TOM BRADY and everybody else in the flesh. We yelled and screamed and cheered and drank beer and it was AMAZING. I can't believe I was actually there...it was incredible. I even spent like $20+ on souveniers, and I think that I left the $10 program in the rented truck. Darn. But I still have the pennant and the big coffee travel mug that was surprisingly not overpriced. And a ticket stub! I was THERE!

I am very happy for the patriots for beating the stupid cocky colts...the last 2:10 of that game was the longest 2 minutes ever, I think, and SO cold too, but fortunately it all worked out in the end. I don't know if I want to have Tom Brady's babies any more, after he grew that stupid beard and showed kind of a bledsoe-esque lack of running ability today, I'm definately loving Adam Vinatieri more and more. He won that game for them.

In unrelated, more serious news, I have done no work this weekend, I have a massive, nasty case of the rhinovirus, and I found out that the man I've been secretly in love with since I was a freshman in college has a girlfriend, totally breaking my heart almost to the point of not being able to enjoy the football game.

almost.

-n.

-

2004-01-17T19:21:00.000-05:00

I think it may be finally time to finish it with eBF...not sure. Either way, we're going skiing tomorrow, which should be interesting because I don't think he's a very good skier.

Right now we have two weeks until our next test (parasitology) and no school on monday!!!!!!
therefore, I'm planning on being mostly lazy today and having fun tomorrow. In fact, today I have done nothing, not including the IV workshop that I went to this morning with the EM (emergency medicine) club. EMT stuff is something I've always been interested, I've always wanted to take an EMT class but never had the time or the money, and today I felt kind of underprepared, as I do often, for this medical student stuff where it seems that everyone but me has either extensive research or previous hospital experience. Again, why did they let me into medical school? But, I went to the workshop today at 9am (although I got there at 8...) and stuck a few people and it was kind of good, kind of not.

I practiced on the plastic hand and that was really easy. It wasn't like that when I practiced on my classmates, although they were really very nice about it. The first guy I tried to stick I ended up poking a bunch of times, and never really got the line in. I tried again and kept missing the vein, it kept moving around. I tried on someone else and finally kind of got it, but the EMT guy who was helping me had to move the needle around somewhat to get it in the right place - and when he did, all this blood spurted out all of a sudden, and I have never, ever had a problem with the sight of blood until right then. I was terrfied, for .03 seconds, that Derek was going to bleed out all over me right there in the evil histo lab, and it would only be because I was totally incompetent. But, I snapped back into it and capped it and even infused it a little with some saline stuff to test the 'patency' and everyone kept saying I did such a great job, even though I didn't. Derek was a really sport, he was incredibly hung over and he let 4 people stick him. Later on, I stuck another matt, and required somewhat less help this time. All in all, it was a good experience, I'm glad I got to get over the fear I did have of puncturing the skin, even though I didn't do such a great job of it. The worst (most embarassing, i guess) part of it all was that I completely sucked at tying the tourniquet. I kept trying and trying, I think i did get it eventually.

My nurse grandmother is probably yelling at me from wherever she is up there...i remember playing with the tourniquets that she had at her house when I was little, they were like big cut-apart rubber bands and they were fun to snap. The tourniquets, medical tape, scizzors and stethoscope (which is now mine) that she had were fascinating to me, i remember wanting to use them and but being determined, for some crazy reason, that I would use these things but not as she did, not as a nurse but as doctor.

I miss her. I wish she was still here. To think that in all these years I've lived so close to where she's buried on the north shore and I've never gone to visit her grave...ok, no more of that...no crying.

oh, good grief

2004-01-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry that my blog is the typical ugly blog template, that my title is still in all caps, and that I don't know how to make comments work. If that bothers you, go away.

I've been reading the most amazing book. I found it over break when I was shopping while simultaneously waiting in line at the DMV to get my license renewed. It's called Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner. The autor writes about how she grew up jewish, then converted fully to jewish orthodoxy, was pulled toward christianity and is now an evangelical christian. It's an amazing story, but what I like best about this book is how she writes is...she doesn't use any of the typical cliche 'christian speak' that I usually find a little irritating...her language is original, she gives a really interesting insight into how the christian and jewish faiths share so much, but are so different. I found some of her other articles on the internet and that's exactly what she has written about in them...about starting dialouge within 20-30 yr olds who aren't married about topics that the church won't touch and therefore has no vocabulary for, about changing the words. I love words. This makes me happy. The underlying thing in her book was how she made Christ so personal, and in that she's created this language as a part of it, with jewish influences added in. It's been kind of a kick in my lazy spiritual ass, and refreshing. Exciting. I'm hoping I'll be able to find time now to read more books like this, CS Lewis and other stuff...christian books that aren't cookie cutter and use interesting laguage (unlike this blog!). It makes me happy. Like naps.

parasitology is the best. it's completely disgusting, but super interesting, and our professor (an MD, former infectious disease consult for most of NY state) does an incredible job of integrating cases, diagnosis, treatment, parasite life cycle, everything that is relevant, and his interest shows in it when he teaches it. The writing tutor in me loves how orgainized his lectures are, and my inner science geek (which I somehow lost touch with at WPI...how?) loves this stuff. He's making me want to specialize in infectious disease.

Don't get amebiasis.
-Natalie.

2004-01-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday...I won't tell you how old I'm not, but I definitely don't feel any different. Has anyone ever magically felt a year older on their birthday? And, if so, why? Wouldn't that suck? This was, though, the first birthday I've had in a long time where people haven't taken me out and made a drunken fool of me. I was made a drunken fool in the privacy of my own rented house by the really good wine that eBF [estranged boyfriend] brought over and served with the incredibly good dinner he made for me in my kitchen. There was also the carrot cake he made for me from scratch...not bad...and the Woody Allen movie he rented for me and made me not study and watch. But, the best part of my birthday (other than my friends singing off-key to me as we walked up the stairs to lab in front of the head of the OMM department) was the poem that my sister wrote for me, which was about how cool I am and about how I used to do pretend surgeries on her stuffed animals when we were little. Unfortunately my computer crapped out and deleted the window I had it open in, so it's kind of lost and gone forever.

Friday I have biochemistry exam...I still need to find at compulsive internet addicts support group so that I actually get some work done instead of 'farting around' on the computer (not my phrase). Either that of hire someone to yell at me when I start slacking off.

Will I ever be able to run again without moving to somewhere deplorable yet warm, like Florida? It's so nastily cold here right now, I refuse to go outside unless absolutely necessary and I hate treadmills.

My friend Jill from college got engaged last month and neglected to tell me...so now I'm going to spend some quality time on IM yelling/screaming happily at her, so stay warm and think biochemically good thougts.

natalie

2004-01-09T09:29:00.000-05:00

It's so cold out right now. There is condensation rising off of the ocean water outside...don't want to go to school! The heat isn't even working very well in our house at the moment, either...not a good way to start the day.

We've got a Biochem test next friday, so I've been trying to do some work while there is time, but i'm realizing now more than ever that if I have a big chunk of free time I'll do absolutely nothing. I've got to have something scheduled within that big chunk of time to work towards so that I won't put stuff off forever. Even if that scheduled thing is watching scrubs. honestly. too much free time is a bad thing...but I won't be saying that in about 3 weeks.

the power went out last night, so they cancelled biochem lecture and we have virology with professor crappy at 10...i have to scribe this lecture, not a fun idea, and then after lunch it's parasitology with Dr. Reese, MD. He's great...and after that, it's movies and 80's party time :) Hopefully this weekend is better than this week has been. Looking for a support group for internet addicts...anyone know of one in southern maine?

Ok, time to get ready for class. Bye.

2004-01-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

Hi.

Here's a few thoughts I need to get out of my brain...

1. I really enjoyed my ER visit last night...something that I could see myself doing, for sure, it seems like it could really fit with my easily distracted mindset.

2. Running? Haven't done it in too long. Kind of scared of getting back into it. What do I do? I'm trying something else right now. Weight lifting and some aerobic training on the bike in the gym. It's probably best for me to run, but it's really cold right now and...why? I miss it, but not enough, and at the same time, I'm scared of it...and I'm mad at it for a variety of reasons that no one seems to be able to understand, which is frusterating. So it's a good thing to try something else, but it's hard to not be outside so much. It's too beautiful here. And, I get that not-enough-running feeling...that unconsious, drifting through life in a bubble/daze feeling. Maybe it's the caffine. I don't know.

3. It's the third day back at school and my class is now starting a petition to impeach our class president. I was hoping that the stuff that happened last semester would be over by the time we came back from break, that people would be more friendly. I thought that the end of last semester was so stressful, and that's why it seemed to bring out the worst in people. Apparently our class is just very, very dramatic.

4. I'm scared of studying, so I'm incapable. I need to get over this.

5. I thought I'd gotten out of this mental/spiritual funk I'd been in during break. 3 days in...it's all back.

Wishing I wasn't terrified of people. Why am I so self-critical? Why do I think that everyone hates me? Why can't I just relax and be?

that is all.

natalie

2003-12-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

Biochem exam is over. immuno at 10, and then i'm a free woman...the idea of no studying until january is so very, very exciting...Studying a little more immuno and then trying to get my vaccine non-compliance bull crap straighted out...arrgh.

2003-12-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

when i was trying to figure out how to apply to medical school, i had a couple of books that were aply named, "how to get into medical school" or "medical school admissions" or something asinine like that. One of these books said that osteopathic medical schools "tended to have easier test questions"...obviously that author never visited this school. The last few weeks have been such and incredibly miserable experience, complete with tests in which the majority of the class doesn't pass (about 3 of them) a 20+ page paper, and more tests to come. on friday we are supposed to have two exams, immunology and biochemistry, but we have been given the option of taking the test this week or the week we get back from school (essentially two administrations of the same test) and everyone has to agree on giving everyone else this option. 3 people in our class have refused, and in doing so have called everyone else cheaters, immature, bashed osteopathic school, etc. This is no way to survive finals...I came to this school partly because of how non-competive the students were supposed to be. I don't care that this is in osteopathic school, I still want to be a surgeon irregardless, and I may use a little OMT someday, but i came here for the philosophy. sure, it was the only place i got in, but i didn't know what i was doing when I applied. if I'd not liked it here I wouldn't have come here. if these people have to be so competitive and be so bitter that they didn't get into MD school, then why do they have to make it so hard for me to pass immunology? It's a little weird to change a test, I am not really sure how I feel about it, but that professor is terrible and I need to pass the class....so I'd rather take biochem later. I don't want to study over christmas either, but I'm not going to be doing much, so I might as well. It's just so frusterating, I'm so overwhelmed, and I feel like I'm studying my bottom off (and getting fat by sitting on it so much) just to get kicked in it when I take these tests. So, Mr. "how to get into medical school book author", grow a brain, get a clue, and come visit ***COM, where the tests ARE challenging, where they teach us how to be good doctors, and not all of our graduates become GPs, you ignorant moron.

Thanks to the internet, for letting me vent.

Also, I'm going to write a letter to every single publication in this country that uses MD as a synonym for doctor or physician and ask that they use MD/DO, very nicely, because I'm not bitter that all the medical articles I ever read only say MD, oh no no no, not bitter AT ALL.

I'd like to hear it from any other osteopathic MEDICAL STUDENTS out there who feel like they are working too hard for almost no future regonition...anyone? Bueller?

Also, I hate snow.

the end.

2003-12-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

Today: Osteopathic Principles and Practice Written exam
Tomorrow: Foundations of Doctoring Practical Exam
Friday: Foundations of Doctoring Take-home written exam due
Monday: Histology lab practical exam and written exam (both finals)
Tuesday: Osteopathic Manipulation Practical Exam II
Friday: Biochemistry Exam II (of 5)
Immunology exam II (Final)

Saturday: Leave for new york, stay with Dan's friend for the night.
Sunday: Fly to paris, france.

HA HA!

-Natalie

2003-11-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

I've got to say that I'm really kind of freaking out right now, but in a reverse way, if that makes any sense. I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged by everything that I am just retreating to apathy and defeat before my tests even happen, which I do a lot, which makes me very unhappy. I don't know how to chnage it. I don't know how to make myself focus and to make myself relax and just DO what I need to do. It's not hard, I can do it, it'll be ok...but I start doing it and it makes me all anxious, then I do nothing or waste time. I suck. it's so ridiculous. I don't know why I torture myself this way. It's all going to be ok....i don't know why I can't just jump that hurdle, get over it, and be happy. ARRRRRGHHHH!

2003-11-13T19:19:00.000-05:00

I have completely lost my ability to focus. Immunology and biochemistry are just this big jumble of concepts and ideas and mostly crappy diagrams that seem to have little to no clinical relevance, and I swear that everyone except for me finds these classes to be incredibly easy. Meanwhile, our histology professor feels the need to make the lab practical impossibly hard, even for those of us who studied a ton, and I'm realizing that I'm so much more of a visual thinker/learner than I had ever thought. I'm starting to seriously wonder if I have a learning disability. Is part of my brain missing? Why am I a visual thinker who has always excelled in writing but who can't get anything higher than a B in a chemistry class that isn't introductory? Why didn't I major in biology so that I could have at least seen this stuff before coming to medical school? It seems that everyone knows how and what to study except for me. There are the objectives from the book and there are the notes from class...and they are completely different; but I thought I shouldn't go to class because I'd get more done if I took the time to just read the book becauses the professor is really confusing...so what do I do? How do they know what to study when I think I'm studying what I'm supposed to, but I'm apparently not? Am I going to survive this? How did I even get in to medical school in the first place????

In other news, I passed Medical Gross Anatomy with the stellar average of an 82, with the help of an 88 (yay!) on the TAPP lab practical. I also managed to squeak by in embryology, so that's two classes down.

I never thought that I'd get to medical school and be so low on confidence...this is what I've always wanted to do, and I'd always pictured myself being so happy in med school, studying interesting things and being able to focus because it was interesting. Instead, it's back to stupid science, science, science that I don't understand, and I'm wondering where my ability to think analytically and memorize went...did that part of my brain DIE? I'm not that old, what is going on? What is wrong with me? Why do multiple choice tests destroy me, when I used to find them so easy...I mean, the SAT? please... and why am I still bitter about not getting into MIT when it was 5 years ago and there was nothing I could do about the mediocrity of my public high school in the woods? I should be happy with where I am but sometimes it all just feels wrong.

And this osteopathy stuff...some if it I get, some of it I don't, and I wish that I felt, validated, I guess, and confident that there will never be any discrimination against my degree once I get it. I still just can't believe that I got in, that I'm here, that someday someone will call me "doctor" and people will rely on me to help them. It's actually kind of scary to think about it. I thought I'd gotten over that and passing anatomy had helped me to be confident, but this chemistry and molecule stuff....it's not helping.

I bought 2 plane tickets to Paris and Dan and I are leaving 2 days into my christmas break from school and coming back 2 days before christmas.

immunologically,
Natalie

2003-11-02T22:36:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm trying to study for my gross anatomy final. I'm kind of conflicted about it ending...I've really enjoyed dissection and learning this information, and on the other hand I'm glad it'll be over soon so that I'll have time to study for other things. Also, the second years have told us that from the end of anatomy to christmas break is the easiest part of 1st year, so I'm really looking forward to that. Right now I need something like a 46 on this test to pass the class, so trying to study for isn't going so well...the motivation is lacking and I'm so easily distracted! I really need to get on a better schedule with a study partner. Studying with someone else is really the best way to go, I think. It helps keep me focused and it helps my brain to learn when I talk things over with people. One of our gunners helped me study for embryology, I got an 85 so I passed the class (the first exam went so terrible for me, I still feel kind of bad about that).
My lack of confidence and my stressing myself out and worrying is really hurting me. medical school has been really bad for my spiritual life so far, which I think is leading to this. I hope to get back on track, I've started to get back onto my running schedule, so things could get better. If only i was less easily distracted and more motivated. Where did it all GO?
I've decided that after i do my military active duty to pay off my obligations I'm going to be a medical writer. I have a degree in technical writing, so if I try to keep active in writing (occasional articles over the next few years?) maybe I can break into it when i'm going to want to be home with my kids. I could freelance and maybe do volunteer clinics or mission trips. I'd be cool with that, if I could keep up with CME's and break back into practice 5 or 7 years later. Still not sure when I want to have the kids...definately after intern year, I think. ok, back to the coronary circualtion of the heart.

natalie

2003-10-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

Conversation I recently had on the telephone...

Boyfriend: Am I going to see you anytime soon?
Me: Ummm......(trying not to sound panic-y, knowing answer is no, no and NO)
B: so that means no?
Me: ummm....(rustling through schedule, frantically searching for non existant free time)...ummm...maybe? I've got embryo on friday, and I have to pass that, I'm really worried about that test
Bf: I'm aware of that situation, I know...
Me: and then OPP practical on tuesday and anatomy final the next monday...and then histo on the 10th...
Bf: ....

the embryo situation is really dire because of my utmost stupitidy and lack of studying for the first exam. he knows. he is pissed. there isn't really anything I can do, especially since he's going away this weekend.

no matter how much time I stare at these stupid books and stupid notes I don't seem to get much done and am not sure if I'm learning a lot. Let's hope that some of it osmoses into my brain...and that at our OMT review tomorrow night, the fellows tell us exactly what we need to know for the exam, so that I have a clue and maybe a little bit of time to get in some anatomy.

mmm....I LOVE coffee....

We're starting a woman's bible study/christian ladies get together day every other monday for lunch. YAY. A pre-med undergrad is joining us, too, and she seems really cool. It's also really cool that Brooke, who has taken the initiative to organize everything, even though it was my idea, went to penn state and to the same Navigators conferences I went to as an undergrad in upstate new york, which were super crazy fun.

Tomorrow we have (mandatory) foundations of doctoring class for FOUR HOURS. everyone will be reading embryo notes and pretending to pay attention, or maybe they won't be paying attention at all. Either way, I hope that the yankees LOSE the world series miserably, and that I can get out of this mental/spiritual funk I'm in, and maybe lose 15 lbs while I'm at it....

ha ha ha,
Natalie

2003-10-20T22:28:00.000-05:00

oh yeah, and the YANKEES SUCK.

thanks.

2003-10-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

If you're ever considering going to medical school, I suggest you think otherwise. Really, you just don't want to. You may think that you do, but you really don't...so find something else that is interesting and stick with that. You'll be way happier in the long run, and you won't be as poor (at least, you shouldn't be). I personally wish that I'd taken the invitation I had to study evaluative clinical sciences at dartmouth.
ARRRRRGH.
I tried to give up on the coffee, but it's not really working. I also really miss regular excersize, and I'm gaining the "freshman 15" that I never got in college.

ok, ok, it's not really that bad, but it's close....just remember to think carefully.

I had a preceptorship today, where I got to follow around a doc at the university clinic, and that was pretty interesting.

I miss worcester, I miss running, I miss tech pizza veggie grinders and ghetto runs, I miss the people there, and I miss being a normal college kid.

it's time to get some coffee and finish this stupid development of the heart thing.

natalie

2003-10-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

Hi, sorry that in all the excitement surrounding the red sox i haven't actually written anything about school lately. I haven't been getting much done lately because these games have been so unbelievably tight...it's insane...so I'm going to post below an assignment I wrote for my foundations of doctoring class. The assignment was simply to write a reflection, so I wrote a reflection and it is below. Apologizes that it is lame and kinda cliche, but it covers some of the things I have neglected to write about lately. GO RED SOX!

Reflection
Foundations of Doctoring
10/16/03

Things are different now.

It wasn't very long ago when I was a mostly normal college student. In fact, it was just a few months ago that I was wondering if I would even get into medical school and my biggest care in the world was the sore throat I got the night before I was supposed to sing the national anthem at my college graduation. I was a normal kid who drove a crappy old car and wanted to go to medical school, like a lot of people do. Like most people, i didn't know a lot about what medical school entailed, but i knew that I wanted to be there, and I'd known for a long time that that was what I wanted to do with my life.
It wasn't very long ago when I was excited like a little kid about the idea of being a doctor, when medicine was a far-off dream world. Even though that was just a few months ago, things are different now.

Now, medicine is no longer far off and the stuff of my dreams, represents a chore, an obstacle, a monster I have to overcome so that I can one day become the doctor I still very much want to be. It is no longer a mystery, and I see that as my view of medicine has changed, medicine has also changed me. What was perplexing to me before I came to medical school seems ingrained in me now. Terms that seemed like foreign language for the first few weeks of medical school are familiar to me; I even find myself using them in conversation with non-medical people, which leads to much back tracking to explain myself. It is almost like medical school has brainwashed me, has taught me to think in a different language. As much as I think that learning medicine is very similar to learning a new language, the language of medicine is different from spanish or french in that I can't switch my brain from english to spanish and back again: medicine is always there, and it is taking over. Medical school is like moving to a foreign country where no one speaks english and being forced to learn the native language, but never going back to where you came from. For example, when I came home from 2 months in costa rica during college, I found myself blurting out random spanish phrases to my friends when I should have been speaking english. Now, I find myself talking "medicine" in the same fashion, but I almost feel as though I've lost the inability to translate back to "normal people" language, since the language of medicine seems to have taken over within my brain; I've moved to the country of medicine and I'm not going home.

Things are different now for these reasons and for more. I know that I could never again be the person I was before even if decided tomorrow to drop out of medical school. I couldn't look at a person again without envisioning the structures within, naming the surface anatomy, and thinking the word "epithelium". I won't ever think the same of death now that I have seen scores of dead bodies be stripped apart and unexpertly dismanteled. My definition of gross or disgusting is far, far worse that in ever was before anatomy, and I can't walk down the street in portland without seeing a limping homeless person and think "hip drop!"

It is also interesting to think that I came to medicine wanting to be able to help people and wanting to learn the tools to do so. I recall seeing an injured elderly woman and wanting to help her and being frusterated that I didn't know how. Now, I'm afraid of such a situation, that people will expect me to be know what to do and I won't. Already friends and family are asking me and other students for medical advice, and I know that when a friend told me yesterday that she has endometriosus I thought of her words pathologically instead of emotionally. I know that I will never be the same, even after these 12 weeks, and I'm afraid and excited for what the next 2 years will bring. I can only hope that I will retain some part of that person i was before, and not become the detached scientist that I vowed I never would be. I still want to achieve my goal of becoming a caring, knowledgeable physician, but things are different now.

embryologically yours,
Natalie

2003-10-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

To be a red sox fan means that you hate the yankees more than you love the red sox.

The good thing about medical school is that we have intermural flag football teams. Our class has 3 girls teams out of the 6 playing for the whole university. TOmorrow night at 7:55 we take on a team of undergrads. Yay!

Inferior and superior thoracic outlet,
Natalie

2003-10-06T00:29:00.000-05:00

Hi,

I don't want to talk about medical school right now, so I'm going to tell you about the red sox.

In 1986 I was four years old. I didn't know what the world series exactly meant, but I knew that it was important; important to my dad and his friends and kind of to my mom...it was a big deal. we went to my dad's friend's house, which is in the little town I grew up in, in the woods. Their house was much bigger than ours, I grew up thinking that they were very rich (now I know otherwise), but anyway, red sox. It was a big deal, here we were at this big house for this big game and my dad was really excited. I remember that they had crackers and cheese with pepperoni and I thought that was very fancy. My sister was maybe 6 months old, and my parents had put her to sleep in the 'office' next to the tv room, and I was determined to be the big girl and stay up and watch the game, even though i didn't know why. Of course, I lost my personal battle and ended up sleeping on the couch in the same room my sister was in probably around the 5th inning.

The weird thing is that I didn't even know it was the world series, a few years later I heard about what had happened in the '86 world series and I described what I remembered of it to my dad and asked him if that had been the night, and he said yes. so, even though i was only 4 and didn't know what was going on, I remember being able to feel the tension and excitement and all the other cliches that were running around that night.

I was sleeping in the room next to where the came was being watched and I was awakened a few times by yells and cheers coming from the other room. when my dad came to get me later on that night, he scooped me up off of the couch and I asked him, "did they win the game?" and he said, "no," very gently, and took me to the car and we went home to sleep. I could feel the letdown in his demeanor and even though I didn't know why exactly, I was disappointed.

About 5 years later I began to understand. I started to live and die with the red sox like the rest of new england during the morbid season of 1992, when the red sox finished in last place in the AL east. I believe that was the same season that matt young threw his 7-0 loss of a 'no hitter'.

I've just wasted 2 hours watching "trading spaces 100grand", because I'm a loser. I've done nothing this weekend, and tomorrow at 8 am it is back to being a medical student, but for now I'm just a slacker 21-year-old who wants the red sox to keep it going.

goodnight,
natalie

2003-09-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

When I got home from school on friday afternoon, after the histology exam, there was a giant, beautiful bunch of flowers sitting on my desk. :D

Today was the best day of medical school ever, so far. I woke up late and thought that I was going to miss lecture, but still got there on time. As I was leaving this morning, I felt terrible: just an accumulation of stress and guilt and fautigue...and it was a beautiful morning, and I looked up at the sky and at the ocean and said, "God, I'm giving this day to you," and my day was awesome from then on. I am in such a better mood and such good stuff happened. I am less stressed. I am awake. It's all going to be ok...God is in charge.

Highlights:
-My car made it to campus and back 3 times on no gas.
-Coming home to already made dinner and warm brownies on the stove. (thanks roomates)
-2 free krispy kream donuts. mmmm....
-It was a BEAUTIFUL day and the ocean was awesome.
-I'm comfortable-ish with the fact that head and neck is going to kick my butt.
-I finally got to go to one of the meetings of the UNECOM christian fellowship and now know of a good church to go to, will probably be helping form a girls group/bible study, and may already have dates on saturday night with these people to watch hockey :). --Also, they want to try to do some volunteer stuff and that may be able to get something going with a homeless mission in portland...which is what I've really wanted to do since I've moved here and seen all of the homeless people.
-I learned things, especially in embryo in histology.
-Flag football is starting soon, and I'm playing :).
-The red sox are in the playoffs.

And etc. I could go on, but I need to eat more and shower the dead people smell out of my hair.

Someone out there is an Uncle, and I want to know about it. That's an order.
-Lt. Woodworth, US Army

2003-09-28T12:54:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

Histology is over, at least until sometime in November, and for now the majority of my energy needs to be focused on studying for my Gross Anatomy head and neck exam, which will happen on friday. I'm pretty scared for this exam because I've spent so much time lately studyign for histology. For the last two anatomy exams I've tried to be comfortable with most of the info by the weekend before the exam. This section presents a few problems, those being that head and neck is incredibly complicated, it is really hard to identify stuff on the bodies in lab, and i really am not feeling that comfortable with the majority of the information right now, and our test is being made up by professor H. Therefore, I am screwed, and I definately don't have time to be blogging for your reading pleasure right now, and I for sure should not have spent yesterday shopping with dan, then watching stupid movies with my roomates.

I have a study schedule set up for today, and I need to get working on it, since I'm already off schedule.

One of these days I'm going to get around to posting an interesting "think piece" about our cadaver, an 89 year old man who died of pneumonia that we have nicknamed gramps. however, today is not the day.

wooo!!!!! red sox in the playoffs!!!!!

best wishes,
Natalie

2003-09-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

:-D red sox won the wild card :-D

histology lab practical tomorrow, 2:10 pm. Written exam, 3:30-5:30.

if anyone of you out there has any study tips, or the answers to these exams, or maybe a solution to my crumbling relationship with my boyfriend, please email doctornatalie@hotpop.com. I'm also looking for a good church in the biddeford, ME area.

thanks,
caffinatedly yours,
Natalie

2003-09-24T12:03:00.000-05:00

Hi,

Right now the vibe here is pretty panic-y among my fellow MS1's and I. we have a big exam on friday (histology) and then next friday (head and neck section in gross anatomy). histology is legendary for being the most ridiculous, confusing class ever, and no one really understands why we have to take it, especially take it concurrently with gross anatomy, since it is so unpleasant and not really on the boards. Apparently we need to know it really well for when we take pathology next semester, and for lab test results in clinical rotations, but for now, it is just painful...it seems like the med school equivalent of organic chem, except maybe not.

Anyway, the professor we have for head and neck gross is also teaching us histo and setting up our histo exam. he's...yeah, more on that later.

ok, i'm sitting in class and this same professor just scared the crap out of us all by telling us that the live anatomy portion of next week's gross exam will be tomorrow. apparently he was wrong and one of the fellows corrected him, but we all freaked out anyway. see how glamourous medical school is??????

gotta pay attention now to the TMJ.

GO RED SOX
Natalie

2003-09-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

I went to a concert tonight instead of continuing to study the cranial nerves. I've studied them a lot, and they are just not staying in my brain...they don't make sense, especially in the way that our professor has presented them to us. So, I saw Ellis Paul and Vance Gilbert at the Kennebunk Coffee house. It was the first night of their tour, and they kept calling it a dress rehersal and laughing and screwing stuff up and laughing, which is fine, of course, but everytime they said that I couldn't help but think, "I paid $36 to see a dress rehersal?" Yes, I am a cheap bastard, apparently, but I think it's just conditioning after so many years of being so ridiculously poor.

Anyway, it was a good concert and kennebunk is a cool town and I even brought Mr. Natalie along and he liked it, too. For all of you out there who aspire to be medical students, you know, all 3 of you, yes, you can still kind of have a life while studying. Kind of. I even saw my parents today and a little bit of the football game. But, I feel like I know nothing. I don't think I really got that much done. I feel a lot of all-nighters coming on in the next week and a half. And, to quote my friend and fellow MS1, Pete, "Medical school is poison for relationships." Amen, brother.

back to the index cards.
su amiga,
natalia

2003-09-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

My roomates....oh, oh, my goodness...

I have to go take a shower because I smell like gross anatomy lab. in gross anatomy lab we spend a lot of time cutting apart cadavers, people who were nice enough to donate their bodies so that we could learn, and it gets really smelly. and frusterating. we have no idea what we're looking for most of the time, and there are 4 of us crowding around a tiny space trying to find certain nerves and arteries and etc, and within the body there is so much connective tissue (fascia) that holds everything together that stuff gets lost in it. I like it, though, except for when I spend hours trying to find a certain nerve (hypoglossal...you know who you are...) the whole time thinking it's some vessel, but the vessel is actually the nerve, and one of my table-mates (cadaver-mates?) leans over and says, "oh, yeah, that's it, that's the nerve, it's actually known as being very round and vessel-ish looking."

that is when it is not fun. but, for the most part, it is fun. I'm very glad we have the oppurtunity to do it.

my roomates are dancing and singing in the hallway. it is time for me to shower and go to portland.

olfactorily,
natalie

2003-09-19T07:52:00.000-05:00

I'm really starting to get very scared. I have slacked too much this week, and next week we have a quiz on monday and a test on friday. The week after that is our head and neck exam...and head and neck is so complicated, I can't put that stuff off until that week, there isn't enough time to learn it all in a week. I've been neglecting my h+n objectives to study for the cranial nerve quiz and then I'm slacking because I'm so scared of just starting it all. I just don't feel like there is enough room in my brain for all of this information and I also feel really stupid because I still don't understand parasympathetic/sympathetic nerves and etc. I've never learned that before, it seems that most everyone here has learned it before but i haven't, and this professor makes it all so complicated that I just don't understand. I've got to be the stupidest person here. this is not good. I don't want to fail out of med school. I already failed my first embryo exam...I can't slack on that for head and neck because I have to stay on top of embryo, i need to do well on the next exam to pass the class, but head and neck is going to take up all of my time for the next few weeks, and I also have to study for histology....this is just ridiculous. Plus, I feel bad if I don't hang out with dan and i haven't done that enough lately. I feel horrible for feeling this way but I'm glad that he's away this weekend, at least for saturday. hopefully i can not slack and get some learning done.

Must remember: God is bigger than medical school!

anyway, at least I live on the ocean and it's beautiful and my roomates are pretty cool. plus, we have a coffee maker, and a skylight in our bathroom. and hopefully i'll be running more often with kim soon.

I should have bought some coffee this morning.

Everyone here has developed into little social groups and has latched onto people as friends. I really don't know how to do that and it scares me. I know a lot of people but what honestly almost bothers me more than all this studying is how I feel like I have no friends.

And what the heck is the point of the superior cervical ganglion? I am so going to cry.

parasympathetically,
Natalie

2003-09-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm sitting in anatomy lecture.

When I was in college some of my friends had a physics professor that they described as "a good professor, but he had half of the class thinking that gravity goes sideways." That's exactly what I think our head and neck professor is like: he over complicates everything. And tom, the guy from cornell, is way too smart.

More on this later.

From the back row,
Natalie

2003-09-17T23:39:00.000-05:00

Hi, thanks for coming to my blog.

The aim of this weblog is to inform, educate and all that other junk about what life is really like in medical school. Plus, those of you who I haven't had time to email in a while can hopefully visit here and see what I'm up to...sorry I suck at the correspondence...hope this helps.

Anyway, in today's episode of my life, I'm trying to study for my cranial nerve quiz, which is on monday, and I'm having a hard time because it's really really cold in the library and this wireless internet connection on my baby powerbook makes studying kind of difficult (ie, surfing the internet is more fun). Also I'm totally lost on the "special somatic sensory" etc etc stuff, so I'm going to be the world's stupidest doctor.

However, when an exam/quiz is immenent, the thought that i might need to know this stuff later on so that I can save someone's life doens't really enter my head (and I don't think that most of my classmates think of it either), what is most important at the moment is actually passing the quiz/exam/practical and moving onto the next thing....how profound?...yeahh, not really. like I said, it's really really cold in the library and it's affecting my brain.

anyway, i hope to put interesting stuff up here eventually. I'll hopefully start running again and then I'll become more interesting, and thus will this blog...but for now, I've got to study.